Maiden voyage in shark resistant suit.
“Call me Ishmael.” What a beginning, right? Sorry for the bullshishmael. Bummed out would be a better name to call me. With my diminutive paycheck and not a frickin’ thing happening on this boring Navy base, I thought I would walk the perimeter of this island to get my best view of San Francisco. It would be the closest I could get to any fun today.
Besides, it was Saturday morning. Gotta get out of my barracks. Waking up to the smell of stale urine and beer is not the most pleasant alarm clock; efficient but not pleasant.
My residence, Treasure Island, the Navy base for my electronics training, for the next ten months was a beat up, two story ‘temporary’ barracks built for World War II troop transfers before heading out to the Philippines. By the smell and color, the original bunk beds with their paper-thin mattresses had sucked up and retained every drop of sweat from those early heroes. There was no A/C in 1942 and none when I was there. Those 120 putrid padded potpourris, along with drunken sailors, most of whom smoked, added an eye-tweaking sour note to the closed in ambiance. But Saturday mornings were the most pungent and damp. [click to continue…]
Distracted Driver’s Guide
Let’s make the roads more challenging, shall we?
If you must drive while texting, talking on the phone or anything else but focusing on the road, please use the following guideline to ensure a painful and speedy death.
- When texting, always hold the phone vertically, thus forcing the keys to their smallest configuration.
- Never use Siri to verbally generate your text message.
- When talking on the phone, keep switching hands. Never have more than one hand on the steering wheel. No hands is cool!
- When talking on the phone NEVER use the speaker feature.
- When changing your clothes, ALWAYS leave your shoes on.
- This is for you beer drinkers. I know work can get tough. A tall one for the trip home eases the pain, so…. Always keep hold of the beer when you are on the phone. Swap them back and forth, being very careful to not spill and Budweiser.
- And ladies, why waste time putting on makeup at home when it can be done while driving? Using your peripheral vision to maintain your position in the fast lane, you should always grip the wheel with your good knee while applying lipstick, blush or mascara.
- Have you noticed that a newspaper fits perfectly over the steering wheel? Of course the news is more important than your safety. Definitely scan the obituary pages before getting to work. Highlight the people that were younger than you when they died. Use pink highlighter for women and blue for men.
- Now before performing your must needed pedicure, switch the car to cruise control. This way, you can put both bare feet on the steering wheel. Do not forget the spongy toe separators. Side note; when applying the polish, ensure that the windows are closed. You’ll want the full dizzying effect of the fumes.
Caution: Before trying any of the above, may sure all your finances are in order (your will, etc.). It would also help to bump up the value of your life insurance policy. Of course, make sure you have chosen a legal health care agent in case you survive the accident and remain a vegetable.
The dog has to walk around my head.
Do I have a big head?
What causes a BIG HEAD?
- Lots of money?
- Lots of fame?
- Family name?
- Ivy league college?
- Genetic defect?
Regardless, a big head is something that can hurt you socially (and physically if you knock it into a pointy object). Besides, people with immense heads drive me nuts. I avoid them as if they have the plague. And if they fall on me, I could get crushed. Sadly, you people with the truly freakishly large heads, as far as I know, there is no head reduction surgery.
Like Pinocchio, whose nose grew when lying, people’s heads grow when they think they are important. Those people upset the cosmic balance and tend to annoy everyone. But they can help themselves. They simply need to realize that they have a huge head. But what are the signs of an gargantuan head? [click to continue…]
With all the internet social media and applications out there, a person can use a smart phone to do almost anything by themselves. Industrious people could run a business with a smart phone. White pages. Yellow pages. College courses. Any book. Expert advice. Accounting services. Printing services. The list goes on and on.
I never use my reference books. Why risk a paper cut? I have stared at my inherited volumes of Britannica Encyclopedias taking up space since I graduated from college. I could not give them away. Then it hit me. This winter is frigin’ frigid. Heated the house all January. Hey, I got Siri now! If she doesn’t know it, Google does. I have the rest of my reference books ready for February.
Talk about taking up valuable space—the question must undeniably be asked—why do talented people need bosses? Be honest now. When was the last time your boss actually helped you in your job? I know what you’re thinking. I hate bosses. Not at all. I have had a couple very good ones.
[click to continue…]
Late in the month, they resemble two male Kodiak bears fighting for a sexy she-bear suffering through long-term mittleschmerz.
Only two weeks earlier, they appeared as two short silver haired kittens slurping cream at opposite ends of a fine china bowl.
How is it possible that eyebrows grow so frickin’ fast? Before I continue, I must pause…I must choose my words carefully since I received a scathing email from a high school acquaintance.
Her (JS) words;
“I want to sucker punch a guy who shaves his pubic regions, plucks his eyebrows, carries a murse, highlights his hair, or cries at the drop of a hat.” I whole-heartedly agree, but… [click to continue…]