Help me. I have a huge head!

by Dickie Schlueter on March 11, 2014

HUGE HEAD SMALL BODY The dog has to walk around my head.

Do I have a big head?

What causes a BIG HEAD?

  • Lots of money?
  • Lots of fame?
  • Family name?
  • Ivy league college?
  • Genetic defect?

Regardless, a big head is something that can hurt you socially (and physically if you knock it into a pointy object). Besides, people with immense heads drive me nuts. I avoid them as if they have the plague. And if they fall on me, I could get crushed. Sadly, you people with the truly freakishly large heads, as far as I know, there is no head reduction surgery.

Like Pinocchio, whose nose grew when lying, people’s heads grow when they think they are important. Those people upset the cosmic balance and tend to annoy everyone. But they can help themselves. They simply need to realize that they have a huge head.  But what are the signs of an gargantuan head?

Use the following guidelines to determine whether or not your head has grown disproportionately to your body;

  1. When looking into the mirror;
    1. Do your eyes look very close together?
    2. Do the ear pieces on your glasses spread to the breaking point when putting on your glasses?
    3. Do you have to move your huge head side-to-side to see it all.
    4. Do your ears look like tiny peanut shells?
    5. Do you need a full can of hair spray and multiple mirrors for adequate hair coverage? Have you been blamed for destroying the ozone layer thus hastening the destruction the life? Are you listed as one of the greatest contributors toward Global Warming?
    6. Do you find it difficult to support your head without using your hands?
    7. Have you noticed that your neck muscles sometimes give out allowing your face to flop into your chicken noodle soup?
    8. Do you tip over a lot while walking?
    9. Do you have a very difficult time putting on your bike helmet?
    10. Do swooping sea gulls drop clams from fifty feet above your head hoping to crack them open on your huge skull? At the end of the day, do you have to comb out your hair for clam shells?
    11. Are you no longer able to wear pull sweaters?
    12. At airports, do you get requests to be used as plane wheel chocks? The really big planes.
    13. Are you no longer able fit between the sides of the metal detector forcing the TSA to pat you down. You better learn to love that. Wait, that might give you a big head!

If you answer YES to any of the above questions, you have a frickin’ huge head. Take immediate action. Any questions? Dickie

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