Distracted Driver’s Guide
If you must drive while texting, talking on the phone or anything else but focusing on the road, please use the following guideline to ensure a painful and speedy death.
- When texting, always hold the phone vertically, thus forcing the keys to their smallest configuration.
- Never use Siri to verbally generate your text message.
- When talking on the phone, keep switching hands. Never have more than one hand on the steering wheel. No hands is cool!
- When talking on the phone NEVER use the speaker feature.
- When changing your clothes, ALWAYS leave your shoes on.
- This is for you beer drinkers. I know work can get tough. A tall one for the trip home eases the pain, so…. Always keep hold of the beer when you are on the phone. Swap them back and forth, being very careful to not spill and Budweiser.
- And ladies, why waste time putting on makeup at home when it can be done while driving? Using your peripheral vision to maintain your position in the fast lane, you should always grip the wheel with your good knee while applying lipstick, blush or mascara.
- Have you noticed that a newspaper fits perfectly over the steering wheel? Of course the news is more important than your safety. Definitely scan the obituary pages before getting to work. Highlight the people that were younger than you when they died. Use pink highlighter for women and blue for men.
- Now before performing your must needed pedicure, switch the car to cruise control. This way, you can put both bare feet on the steering wheel. Do not forget the spongy toe separators. Side note; when applying the polish, ensure that the windows are closed. You’ll want the full dizzying effect of the fumes.
Caution: Before trying any of the above, may sure all your finances are in order (your will, etc.). It would also help to bump up the value of your life insurance policy. Of course, make sure you have chosen a legal health care agent in case you survive the accident and remain a vegetable.